Absalom, Absalom Hairstylists

I got my hair cut by a guy named Eitan Avshalom (the Hebrew of Absalom). I commented on the irony of someone named Avshalom cutting hair. He said, “Why? Because he and his father fought?” It is one of my favourite stories from the bible and one of the saddest. This Avshalom didn't know the end of it. I'm doing this from memory so excuse me if I get the details wrong (as I pointed out in a previous post my memory is such that I could be making this whole thing up so better go check your bibles). King David loves Avshalom who is very handsome and has beautiful long hair. Avshalom ends up rebelling against the rule of his father (he has good reasons; David is ignoring a lot of awful stuff going on in his family). Things are touch and go for David for a while but eventually Avshalom and his forces are on the run, about to be defeated. There is a final battle and David tells his men, don't kill my son because I still love him. But Yoav– the King's trusted military man -- finds Avshalom. Avshalom's chariot ran under a thorn tree and his beautiful long hair has tangled in the tree, lifting him out of his chariot leaving him suspended in the air and helpless. Yoav doesn't hesitate. He stabs Avshalom “under the fifth rib” (Yoav is David's heavy, a wetwork specialist, and he does a couple of people “under the fifth rib,” as I recall). David finds out and cries, “But I told you to leave him alive.” Yoav tells him, in effect, you aren't just a dad fighting with a son, you are king and when someone rebels against the king, even the king can't forgive that. Raison d'etat. The haircut – to give Eitan Avshalom his due -- is pretty good.

In related news, the Israeli Labour Party, in a panic at polls predicting that they are going to be reduced to a sliver of their former power, have decided to go negative with their election advertising. In Israel this isn't big news. Kadima has giant ads saying “Bibi (Benjamin Netanyahu, leader of Likud and the acknowledged front runner) I don't trust him.”

The amazing thing about Labour's campaign is that they've gone negative against THEMSELVES. The ad on the bus I saw yesterday had a big picture of Labour Party leader Ehud Barak and the text said “Lo simpati. Manhig” which might roughly be translated as “Not likeable. A Leader.” Obviously some bright light decided that Labour couldn't hide its considerable liabilities – principally the fact that Israelis don't like Barak – so they might as well put them front and centre. There's going to be a whole series of ads saying thing like "He's not nice. A leader." "He's got cooties. He's a leader. "

It seems that there is nobody left in the back rooms of these parties who can say goodbye to these guys. In Canada, if you loose an election your party's backroom boys tell you thanks very much and go away now. Everyone was appalled that Stephane Dion didn't know this, until eventually someone pricked him gently under his fifth rib and indicated the door.

In Israel, the backroom guys, the ones who in Canada would be considered too soaked in blood for party leadership aren't in the backrooms (That's both figurative and literal blood, Barak and Netanyahu were in the Israeli equivalent of the green berets and Barak, at least, spent a fair amount of his military career parachuting into Lebanon and other resort locations at night and killing enemies, eventually becoming Israel's most decorated soldier). Somehow they end up leaders of their parties and no one is left in the smoky closed-door meetings who can say, “Step aside or we're going to dump your body in the Yarkon River”. There's no line-up of talented, charismatic, bright up-and-comers who want to take the poisoned chalice of Labour leadership, whoever gives the party its money is asleep at the switch and I guess what is left of the party base is scared that if Barak goes, they'll end up back with Amir Peretz (famous for watching military manoeuvres through binoculars with the lens-caps still on, a definite no-no for Israel's Praetorian political class) or someone worse as leader, so Barak will continue to steer the Labour Party over cliff after cliff.

What do you do when you need an Yoav for your Yoav?